THE ERRORS OF SANTA CLAUS (1919)
by Stephen Leacock
It was Christmas Eve. The Browns, who lived
next door were dining with the Jonses. Their little daughters, Clarissa and Ulvina, were in the dining room.
Clarissa was showing Ulvina absolutely lovely little cosmetic set, which she got for her mother.
Clarissa: Isn’t
this lipstick perfectly charming? And don’t you love this little powder box
with the silver mirror?
Ulvina: Oh, the
colour is really great. You see, these little things can make any lady a real
beauty. My mum prefers only pale colours, she says the makeup should be
invisible.
Clarissa: Look,
if it is invisible, let’s try some, I hope nobody notice?
Ulvina: Mum
does not allow even to think about that!
Clarissa: Just
touch your cheeks a little bit. And I’ll try nail polish. Today is a very
special evening, you know!
And while this was going on, Edwin Jones and
Willy Brown were sitting in the bedroom watching something special as well.
Edwin: A
hundred in a box! With playing cards and all the staff. Good present for Dad,
eh!
Willy: Fine!
I’m giving father cigars.
Edwin: I know,
I thought of cigars too. Men always like cigars; you cannot go wrong with them.
But don’t you like this Dutch design?
Willy: Isn’t it Flemish?
Edwin: Dutch.
And here is the place for keeping money as you play.
Willy: But your Dad never plays for money,
doesn’t he?
Edwin: Dad? Oh, gracious, no! But I shall tell that
Santa Claus insisted on putting some money in the little money boxes.
Willy: I suppose he believes in Santa Clause, just as
my Dad does.
Edwin: Oh, absolutely. What if we play a little
game. With a double dummy, the French way, if you like, it only needs two.
Willy: All right.
In a few minutes they were deep in a game of
cards with a little pile of pocket money beside them. Nor did the adults miss
their children.
The Snow
Queen.
Characters:
- Storyteller
- Kay
- Gerda
- The Snow Queen
- Granny
- The King's Counsellor
- Gentleman Crow
- Lady Crow
- Prince
- Princess
- The Old Robber Woman
- The Little Robber Girl
- Reindeer
- 5 robbers
- The servant
Scene 1
(The storyteller is sitting on the pillows in front of the fireplace)
Storyteller: If it were
not for me, you would never learn what happened to a boy called Kay. But
silence. Let's begin.
(A poor room, a fireplace, 2 armchairs, rose bushes)
Gerda: Hello, boys
and girls! This is my brother. We live here, in this little house with our
Granny. My name is Gerda.
Kay: And my name
is Kay.
Gerda: What's it?
Kay: The stairs
are creaking.
Gerda: Oh, yes!
They are creaking.
Kay: Here is our
Granny. Why is she knocking? Keep quite! Let's frighten her.
Gerda: All right!
(The children are running around the room trying to hide.)
(A man enters)
Kay:
Bow-wow-wow!
Gerda: Miaow-miaow!
Man: What's going
on in this house? Why are you shouting? You silly children!
Gerda: We are very
sorry! We thought you were our Granny.
(Granny enters)
Kay: Granny!
Gerda: Our Granny!
Granny: My dear
children!
Man: Good
evening, ma'am!
Granny: Good
evening, sir! What can I do for you? Who are you?
Man: I'm the
King's Counsellor! I want to buy the roses.
Granny: Do you like
flowers?
Man: No, I hate
them.
Granny: Why do you
want to buy them then?
Man: I buy
rarities. In winter flowers are rare! Here are ten pounds for your roses.
Granny: I am not
going to sell the roses. We like them very much.
Gerda: Yes, we love
them.
Man: Thirty
pounds:
Granny: No!
Man: Fifty:
Granny: No!
Man: I'm the
King's Counsellor! I'm very rich! I sell ice. I know the Snow Queen! I can buy
anything!
Granny: They are not
for sale.
Man: You are a
crazy old woman!
Kay: Don't shout
at our Granny! She is so kind!
Man: Well, I'm
leaving! I'll take revenge! I'll tell the Snow Queen about you!
Kay: What an
angry man!
Gerda: Granny, who
is the Snow Queen?
(The sounds of mysterious music)
Granny: The Snow
Queen lives in the North! She is very beautiful but very cruel!
(The sounds of the blizzard)
(The Snow Queen appears)
The Snow Queen: Have you seen the Mystic Queen
Riding in her limousine
Over hills and dales till morning.
If you like I'll take you there
Find some colours you can wear.
Colours that you've only seen while sleeping.
Kay: Oh! Who are
you?
S.Q.: I am the
Snow Queen. Good evening!
Granny: Good
evening! Sit down, please!
S.Q.: No! It is
very hot for me! You are very nice but old and poor. And you have two children.
And I am very rich but alone. So, I'll take this boy from you!
Kay: What?
Granny! I don't want to go with her!
Gerda: Granny!
Don't give Kay to her!
S.Q.: Kay! You'll
be my son! You will live in the beautiful palace!
Kay: I don't
want!
(The Snow Queen touches Kay with her magic wand. The frightful music
sounds.)
Kay: Ha-ha-ha!
How fat and funny you are!
Gerda: What's the
matter?
Granny: I don't
recognize you!
Kay: I don't
want to live in this poor house! I am leaving. Goodbye!
(He runs out)
Scene 2
Gerda: I am very
tired! I have been looking for Kay for so long! But I must go on and find my
brother!
(Gerda sings a sad song.)
Lady Crow: Caw! Caw!
Caw! Good morning, young lady!
Gerda: Good
morning!
G. Crow: Where are
you going, young lady?
Gerda: I am looking
for my brother Kay.
G. &L. Crow: Caw! Caw!
Caw!
G. Crow: It's the
name of our prince! Go with us and you'll see your brother!
L. Crow: Let's go!
Gerda: Oh, thank
you very much.
(In the palace. Prince and princess are playing horses.)
Prince: Stop playing
this game, Elsa! I'm tired of being a horse. Let's play another game.
Princess: Let's play
hide-and-seek!
Prince: OK. You hide
and I'll count to twenty!
(Princess is running around the room. She sees Gerda and shrieks)
Princess: Who is
there?
Prince: Is it a rat?
Princess: It's a girl
and two crows.
Prince: What are
you doing here, young lady? Why are you crying?
Gerda: I am Gerda.
I'm crying because you are not my brother. He was carried by the Snow Queen! I
thought he was here!
Prince: Don't cry! We'll
help you! Where are you going?
Gerda: I'm going to
the North. I must find the Snow Queen!
Princess: It's a long
way!
Prince: We'll give
you a carriage!
Princess: And I'll
give you a coat, a muff and boots. Give my clothes to Gerda!
(Servants come and bring the clothes.)
Gerda: Thank you
very much!
Scene 3
(The storyteller is sitting on the pillows in front of the fireplace.)
Storyteller: Everything
is all right! Gerda is going in the carriage. The poor boy will be saved.
Quite! What's there? Robbers!
(The robbers appear on the stage and perform the robbers' dance.)
(A camp of robbers in the forest. An old woman is near the fire. The
robbers have brought Gerda.)
Robber 1: Look what
we've got!
Robber 2: Here is a
gold carriage!
Robber 3: And this is
the girl from the carriage!
Old Woman Robber: How nice she
is! I think she will be very tasty!
Gerda: Don't kill
me, please! Let me go!
Robber 4: What a silly
girl! Ha-ha-ha!
Robber 5: You'll be
killed!
Gerda: Dear
robbers! Please let me go! Kay will die without me!
Old Woman Robber: I'm going to
eat you!
Little Robber Girl: Don't touch
her! She will be mine! She will play with me! Give me your muff and your hat!
What's your name?
Gerda: I'm Gerda.
You can take my clothes but I'll be cold when I get to the Snow Queen.
Little Girl Robber: No! You
won't go there! You will live with me! Look what I've got! Come, come here
quickly!
(The Reindeer appears)
Little Girl Robber: Gerda, look
how funny he is!
(She touches the reindeer with a knife.)
Gerda: Don't do
it, please!
Little Robber Girl: Why? I like
the way it trembles all over.
Gerda: May I ask
him a question?
Little Robber Girl: Yes, you
may.
Gerda: Tell me,
deer! Did you live in the North?
Reindeer: Oh, yes!
Gerda: Have you
ever seen the Snow Queen?
Reindeer: Yes, I have.
Once she passed me! She had a little boy with her! He was white with cold. She
called him Kay.
Gerda: He has seen
her. He is my brother. Dear girl! Let me go! I must save Kay! He will die in
the North.
Reindeer: Do let her
go! I'll take Gerda to the Snow Queen's Kingdom.
Little Girl Robber: All right!
There is nothing to be done. I won't give you your muff! I like it. Kiss me.
Gerda: Thank you,
girl!
Reindeer: Thank you!
Little Robber Girl: Good luck,
Gerda!
Gerda: Goodbye! Goodbye!
Scene 4
(The storyteller is sitting on the pillows in front of the fireplace.)
Story-teller: Oh, how sad
I am! Poor Gerda! She is riding on the Reindeer. Help her to save Kay!
Gerda: Is this the
kingdom of the Snow Queen?
Reindeer: Yes, it is.
I can't go farther. You must remember, the Snow Queen is very cruel and it is
very difficult to get into her palace!
Gerda: I must go
there! Thank you, my dear friend!
(In the palace: Kay is on the icy throne.)
Gerda: Kay, Kay!
Are you frozen? Answer me!
Kay: Hush, Gerda!
You are bothering me!
Gerda: Dear Kay!
It's me, Gerda! You didn't even say to me: "Glad to see you!"
Kay: Glad to see
you.
Gerda: You sound so
cold. Are you really my brother?
Kay: I am really
Kay. I am very busy. I must make the word out of icicles.
Gerda: Kay, let's
go home. It's spring there. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, the birds are
singing.
(She weeps and embraces Kay.)
Kay: I am cold,
Gerda. Is it you? What's the matter? I can walk!
Gerda: Let's go!
We will get home.
Scene 5
(The same room as in the first scene.)
Little Robber Girl: Can you
hear? The stairs are creaking!
Gentleman Crow: They are
coming!
Little Robber Girl: Granny,
look, it's Gerda!
Prince: Look, it's
Kay!
Princess: Granny,
look, they are both here!
G. &L. Crow: Welcome
home!
Granny: My dear
children! You are back at last!
Snow Queen: You must
give this boy back to me at once or I'll turn you into ice.
Man: I'll crack
you into pieces.
Gerda: Nobody is
afraid of you here!
Snow Queen: Oh, we'll
see!
Little Robber Girl: You can wave
your arms, your legs and your tail, but we won't give Kay to you!
Kay: Go away, you
two! We are not afraid of you. Thank you, dear friends!
(Final song)
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